West Coast

Lana Del Rey
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  • #Lana Del Rey #West Coast #New Single #Ultraviolence
  • 6 hours ago
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LINDSAY on OWN

Millions of people recently spent eight hours of their lives watching the trials and tribulations of Lindsay Lohan, former child star and current struggling adult. And yes, of course, I was one of them. Here are some of my thoughts on what we witnessed.

  • Her long suffering assistant wears a 3-piece suit at all times. Fighting paps? 3-piece suit. Folding Lindsay’s camis and torn stockings? 3-piece suit. Telling anyone and everyone Lindsay will be ready in five minutes for two hours straight? 3-piece suit.
  • Her sober companion, Michael Cormier, looks like that guy who wrote School of Rock, Mike White. (See picture below)
  • Lindsay doesn’t walk, she flurries. When I think of Lindsay on the show, the first image that pops to my mind is her fast-walking between rooms, thin arms flapping at her sides, 7-foot long hair waving in the wind, complaining about something.
  • For a docu-series, it was amazing how often everyone on the show thought they weren’t being documented. Lindsay didn’t want to talk about many things on camera and refused to film seemingly a lot of events, which we were made aware of by the ominous black screen that always appeared to explain any gaps in the footage. Dina Lohan didn’t want to ask Lindsay certain questions for a book interview. She even walked into another room, apparently forgetting she was mic’d, and talked to Lindsay about it. Lindsay asked her assistant to make sure Miley Cyrus responded to her tweets, and her assistant asked her repeatedly, “Are you mic’d?” while side-eyeing the camera. And, my favorite, was the Elle Indonesia rep who spoke sweetly in English to Lindsay’s representative who showed up to let everyone know Lindsay wasn’t going to. Then, when speaking to the rest of her Indonesian team, she called Lindsay a bitch repeatedly in her native language. Be warned. OWN is not afraid to hire translators! They will hire a translator before you can call Lindsay a bitch on camera three times fast!
  • When Lindsay’s Sex List was released via the tabloid media, I was of course interested when I really shouldn’t have been. Shouldn’t I have been reading a classic novel? Perhaps I could’ve studied a map. Instead, I read the list. Anyone could get their teenage niece to scrawl a list of names in girly handwriting. I took a look at all those male celebrities, and rendered my verdict, it had to be fake. But then Lindsay went on her show and (for no good reason I can think of) CONFIRMED IT WAS REAL. 

I wish Lindsay the best of luck in getting her life and career back on track. And my condolences on not being considered for that role in The Avengers you mentioned wanting. (Was anyone else stunned she wanted a role in The Avengers???)

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  • 6 hours ago
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  • 23 hours ago
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  • 1 week ago
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When someone asks if I like being in my 20s

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  • 2 months ago
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One of Conan’s best yet!

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  • 2 months ago
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Valentine’s Day

In high school, the student council sponsored an event where you could send your valentine a can of that soda pop called Crush. Show your love for another through a sugary pun, they said. Orange Crush, Grape Crush, and Strawberry Crush. And every year I moseyed on up to the table my friends were working and forked over the money, fifty cents each, for three cans. For myself. I sent three cans to myself. Not to make people think I had a secret admirer, just so I could then drink three cans of Crush at little cost.

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  • #Happy Valentine's Day #Valentine's Day #High School #Crushes #text
  • 2 months ago
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Excerpt From My Diary: December 1, 2010

"…First, I decided to go to a study lounge at the end of my hall to write. Keep in mind it is after 1 a.m. From up the hall, I see that the room is dark and unoccupied, so I walk down there. I open the door and wait for the automatic lights to come on and they don’t. I then hear a noise. I instantly become really scared. Then I look to my left and see a couple doing God knows what in the dark on a couch in the study lounge. I then say, "Uh, sorry," (exact words, in a slightly weird voice) and walk out.

Also, that “noise” mentioned above was a man’s groan and shifting bodies. Yeah, just soak that in.

Now to my point - somewhere between the unique experience of…”

If those study hall people are somehow reading this today, I would still like to extend my sincerest “uh, sorry” to them.

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  • 2 months ago
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  • 2 months ago
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Crudes & Nudes

"I need one for Wolf of Wall Street,” I said, handing over my ID and debit card.

The girl leaned toward her middle-aged male co-worker. “I heard it’s like a straight-up porn movie.”

"What? Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, I guess it’s just really crazy, like non-stop," she said. Then she looked at me, "Theater five to your left."

The rumors are true, everyone. There’s a lot of cursing, nudity, simulated sex, drug use, and all-around crude behavior. Vulture made some nice graphs detailing the curse words and, according to them, our beloved Leonardo DiCaprio curses 332 times in 180 minutes.

But none of that offended me. None of it was glorified. The consequences were shown again and again, and crudes and nudes were basically being condemned. More importantly, here are a few things I WAS offended by.

  1. About half way through, there was a long scene of Leo on a giant yacht, standing near the bow with a woman, just loving life and soaking up the sun. I mean, really Scorsese? TOO SOON. Absolutely too soon. Titanic flurried to my mind and I had to quickly shake off the depression I think we all can admit we suffer from when Jack Dawson’s fate comes to mind.
  2. DiCaprio’s wife is played by a relatively new actress named Margot Robbie. She is blonde and tan and very thin.. and 23 years old. There’s something about finding out a pretty and successful person is the same age as you and your unpretty and unsuccessful life that really hits you in the gut, you know? Highly offensive. You know who else is 23 years old? Emma Watson. Jennifer Lawrence. I hate them all, because I’m irrationally taking out my own self-hate against them and IT FEELS GOOD!
  3. Kyle Chandler (aka Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights) played an FBI agent and didn’t manage to say “clear eyes, full hearts, can’t lose” and wink at the camera once! Not a single goddamn time. P.S. he has the sweetest eyes. 

Would I suggest The Wolf of Wall Street to others? Sure. Obviously not to my grandma. Definitely not to my mom who would label it “filth.” I wouldn’t suggest it to my dad because there’s way too many boobs in it. But I would suggest it to my friends, acquaintances, and siblings. It examines our country’s capacity for greed and exploitation and yeah, at times it’s almost like “a straight up porn movie,” you biotch working the front desk at the theater. But in the end it truly delivers! (That is, it delivers Leo DiCaprio’s bare buttcheeks to the legions of female moviegoers who have been waiting for years to catch a glimpse!)

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  • 3 months ago

Have you always…

…wanted to jam out to an instrumental version of Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up? Then consider calling my student loan provider! They can definitely help you with that.

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  • 3 months ago
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  • 3 months ago
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Netflix Movie Suggestions

We’ve made it to the boring part of winter - no more holidays but plenty of bitter cold weather. For those nights when a mini-blizzard has made it impossible for you to leave your home, I give you three Netflix Instant suggestions (from a person with a film degree and, fittingly, no promising career or life prospects)!

The Apartment (1960) starring Jack Lemmon & Shirley MacLaine

"A man tries to rise in his company by letting its executives use his apartment for trysts, but complications and a romance of his own ensue." -IMDB

Directed and co-written by Billy Wilder, this is the RomCom that inspired all other RomComs. Honestly, when I watched this movie the first time, it was easily apparent that today’s modern (and often poorly done) romantic comedies are inspired, whether they know it or not, by The Apartment. The witty dialogue, the string of outrageous misunderstandings, the happy ending, and the too-sweet-to-be-true leading man are all at play here. If this movie was made in the 90s, it most certainly would have starred Tom Hanks. It’s in black and white, but it’s a million times better than any romantic comedy you’ve sat through in the last 10 years - that, I can promise you. If you’re in the mood for a darkly funny love story that’s way more realistic than you’d expect from a movie made in 1960, watch The Apartment.

Frances Ha (2012) starring Greta Gerwig & Mickey Sumner

"Follows a New York woman (who doesn’t really have an apartment) apprenticing for a dance company (though she’s not really a dancer) and throwing herself headlong into her dreams (even as their possible reality dwindles)." -IMDB

If you’re in your 20s, you’ll relate to something in this movie. Directed by Noah Baumbach, who’s known (at least to me) for his slow, subtle, indie dramas, this marks his first behind-the-scenes collaboration with girlfriend Greta Gerwig. Both as a co-writer and actor, she brings a lot of life to Baumbach’s work and never really allows for a boring moment in the movie. To sum it up, this is a black and white Indie film, but I watched it repeatedly after first seeing it because it was that good and realistically funny. You kind of feel like you’re hanging out with a friend while following Greta’s character. If you’re in the mood to see an Indie film, but don’t want to be depressed or weirdly reflective afterwards, this is the movie for you.

Skyfall (2012) starring Daniel Craig & Judi Dench

"Bond’s loyalty to M is tested when her past comes back to haunt her. Whilst MI6 comes under attack, 007 must track down and destroy the threat, no matter how personal the cost." -IMDB

Maybe you read the description above and thought, “I have no clue what that means, I don’t watch James Bond movies, and that’s why I didn’t see this one, either.” I’m here to tell you that you should watch it anyway. The story isn’t that hard to catch onto and the action sequences are uniquely plotted and filmed. That’s because Oscar winning director (and Kate Winslet’s ex-husband) Sam Mendes helmed this film and that’s what you get when the guy who directed American Beauty and Road to Perdition is allowed to direct an action film. Javier Bardem is the bad guy and let me tell you, he’s very creepy. He dyed his hair blonde and for some reason that makes him absolutely terrifying. More terrifying than that haircut he had when he played that other scary guy in No Country For Old Men. If you’re in the mood for a quality action movie and to hear Adele’s beautiful theme song, watch Skyfall.

Those are my unsolicited movie suggestions. Let me know if you watch any! Please!! Make me feel like my college degree means something!!!

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  • 3 months ago
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…to free us from the expectations of others, to give us back to ourselves—there lies the great, the singular power of self-respect. Without it, one eventually discovers the final turn of the screw: one runs away to find oneself, and finds no one at home.

Joan Didion
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  • 4 months ago
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